the past

wherever I go past is calling me back. whomever i meet, new friends, new compadres, was only my way of forcing to turn the page of my life. I want to turn faster and faster from the beginning, so impatient. Always trying to find a new beginning a new chapter everytime the latter gets fucked up.

running away has always been my ultimate solution.

seemed to work, so far.

a friend in sf, todd, reminded me to visit my Dad once again. he said that once i reach my 30's or even my 40's i will somehow try to dig up the past.

what if i say, i have no past? no emotional connection whatsoever on my past. is it my doing? am i constantly burying my past?
I like to move fast forward, i like to expand my horizon and having all that past and family mumbo jumbo adds weight to my shoulders.

what if one chooses to do so, to cut the weakened umbilical cord once and for all.
it's legal.
to be independent. not obligated to fulfill my family wishes, be the bastard child.
some might think that it's an arrogant thing to do to leave your family. but i think every single one of us owes our lives to ourselves.
I think we are free from the moment we draw our first breath, life was given to you freely and it s now dictated by our own decision making. not anybody else.

see I have a problem fitting in with the society, you may not see it but I'm in disgust almost 80% in every 24 hrs.

i like my friends, i love them, i care for them more than anything. they helped me get through life, made me feel sane, they give me hope.

so fuck the past, i never like wasting my time being in a melancholy state of mind.

my desperation is pathetic

i remember when my dog died when i was five, i would ask my grandma "where's loopy?" and she would tell me "oh he's playing in the rainbow" and point to the sky. that always made me wonder "what's so great about being in the rainbow? what about me? what kind of dog is too busy hanging out in the sky to play with me.
i'll pour some forty out for your dog

I have returned

from the land of no infinite sign of world wide web.

Hello, how are you? Me? I am jobless and somehow found myself in San Francico.
I went to Finger Lakes region in New York state and missed the plane while transferring in Atlanta. Lost my job. boo hoo so fuck it.

I have not had the time to upload new pictures, I have done some and I uploaded them in my myspace acct. I am too lazy to upload it here...no, that's not it.
Reason is, the computer I have while in SF does not allow me to do so. I don't know why, dont ask me or even say "WHAT?!". Honestly it bugs me when I say that, not so much the opposite, mind you, but I annoy myself a lot.
I do. And why is that? I am clinically insane.

I digress, shit...




Anyway, I found my most favorite book store of all and it's called the Green Apple...
(a ray of light comes shinning down upon this store's canopy while all the angels sings Aaaaahhhh....).
I want to own every single books they have in there, no, better yet I want to STEAL every single books they have in there. Let them know, please.



I am deeply enamored by San Francisco's stairways and would like to pursue this newly found passion of mine by climbing every goddamn stairways in San Francisco.
Granted, it might be because I have nothing better to do. But an unrealistic dream is always good to have, whether I achieve it in the end or not does not matter to me and or anybody else. The point is utilizing the day.
since I have come across as both an underachiever and an overachiever to you all, boldly and at different time.





I love you all.


Spazztic, wiry and in trance my mind was earlier this afternoon. I bugged out, I called some people in LA, dying to hear a familiar voice. I was lost somewhere at a ritzy area in Fillmore and I was a nervous rat.
My face was flushed and I was self conscious. All this because I had a "family talk" with my Uncle and I didn't like that kind of conversation. That, that sense of divisiveness, so nauseating.
Per my request he dropped me there, all I'm saying I wasn't honest to him, but I had to do it because I'm boiling to the top of my lid!!

I called Guy, I called Therese, I called Maggie, I even called Carson and he's in Arizona trying to seclude himself from the world. He's a writer and he's one of those whose inspiration is based on location, well...maybe not, maybe I'm wrong! Don't listen to me...Carson, if you're reading this I apologize, that's not what I mean.
And he actually answered and listened to me.

Oh boy...